Yesterday I found myself crippled without my husband, something that has happened before but never because I let it. Then I was mad at him for "not being there" when I needed him. He is more understanding of me, now, and I'm taking advantage of him.
It isn't nice, and I need to stop.
It's just such a relief to finally understand what's wrong, and to have a medication for it. It's not just nameless anger and sinking spells. It's not just having my feelings hurt and curling into a ball for the rest of the day. It's a real problem, my doctor says, and I'm not crazy. It isn't because I'm a bad person, or a bad mom. I'm a woman with hormones, and this is what happens sometimes.
That's what she said. (HA!)
I didn't sleep well again last night; it's like I can't find a comfortable place in the bed, and nothing is the right temperature. Two nights ago I blamed it on the cat for sleeping on my feet and biting me when I tried to move him. I kicked him out, last night, but still had trouble sleeping. Also, I feel the jitters this morning. Or maybe my skin is crawling... I'm not sure. I know that my arms feel like they're moving, only they aren't moving on their own and I'm not moving them. I think it'll go away.
Last night we were almost asleep when my husband asked if I'd taken my medicine. I told him I did right after supper (which was around 9 because my family was late; I took it around 10) and that's why I was so sleepy. Then he asked if I took all my medicine. I told him yes.
"Even the vitamin?"
"Yes."
I liked it, him checking on me like that. He usually doesn't give a toss about whether I take my vitamin or birth control or anything.
Afternoon:
I'm tired of being told what to do. Seriously.
I'm tired of getting a hope in my head, or an idea, and being told "That's a bad idea. Don't do it. You can't. I won't let you."
Somewhere between getting married, getting a degree, holding down a job and birthing a child I thought I was an adult. I thought I was capable of making my own decisions. So to be told a flat-out "No" is pretty crushing at this point. I don't mind being told "I know you think this is a good idea, but let's consider the options" or "Weren't you holding out for something better?"
Nos are killing me.
I support everyone in everything they do, and even if I don't support them I at least disagree gently. "That wouldn't be my first choice, but good luck" or "I hope that works out for you" or something along those lines. I also make it a general rule not to say "I told you so," unless its something silly.
"I laid on the dock without sunscreen and fell asleep and now my skin hurts!"
"I told you so."
Something like that I'm not above. But anything else... I feel like it's important for people to find their own way. I'll share my thoughts or life experiences if they ask, but I'm not one to just push my wisdom on anyone.
I encourage poor decisions.
And I guess that since I do that for other people that I expect them to do that for me. Just because she can't have a dog right now doesn't mean I shouldn't get a puppy that's on craigslist for the third time. Clearly this pup needs me, and I need him. "There's obviously a problem." No, I can help him. "You have a baby." But he's just 10 weeks old. He's a baby. "Don't get that dog."
What am I supposed to do? I can't have the dog I want, and can't have the dog I don't want, and I'm miserable without any dogs. I'm stuck, stuck right here where dogs need me and I need them and neither of us can have the other.
Evening:
At 6:15 I gave up.
I love my family, but having them here completely throws me out of any sort of routine, and at this point I really sort of need a routine. I suffered through a movie that I love, struggling to keep my eyes open because I didn't do anything to need a nap. I've been really sleepy the past two days, and I don't know if it's the medicine or the fact that I spent four days sleeping (and countless naps before that) that's got me messed up. When we were supposed to get up and go to the grocery store, my mom stretched out on the sofa and my dad started buffing scratches out of the car door.
So I was frustrated.
I made it through supper (I ate green beans and a roll because I wasn't hungry; I don't know if it's the medicine because it started before then) then excused myself.
"Are you sick?"
"I don't feel a hundred percent."
I went to the bedroom, turned off the light, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my face. I don't know how long I was in there, but I woke up when my husband dumped my baby in the bed with me. He told me to get up, and I told him I didn't want to. Admittedly, I was acting pretty childish. It's like now that I have an actual problem, I feel entitled to the symptoms.
"You shouldn't have had me in the room with the doctor," he said and he was right; if I wanted to get away with anything, he needed to be in the dark.
Better luck next time.
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